Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What changed, and when?

This morning as I was dropping my 14 year old off at school, I marveled at how most of those high school teens had a Dunkin Donuts coffee in their hand. I was thinking to myself "Who has the extra money to buy DD coffee anymore?" Lucky kids. I haven't had the spare money to buy a coffee in years! It made me remember something from about 10 years ago. Every morning around this same time, I used to go to DD to get my coffee. For my baby (the 14 year old) this was the norm, every restaurant was measured in Dunkin. We would go to "Gunkin Icecream, Gunkin King etc..." She knew I ordered medium*hot*coffee cream*two*sugars*please*and*thank*you.

Thinking about that made me a lil' bit melancholy today. I used to take the same route all the time (good thing nobody was stalking me, I'm a predictable person)and saw the same things. At the end of my block there was a middle aged man with motorcycle. He had the most beautiful lawn. There was the old Italian grandpa who had most beautifully colored dahlias. The two gentlemen used to chat every morning over a cup of coffee while sitting on the front stairs.

I remember thinking out loud one particular sunny day as I drove by. "All is right with the world." I remember very well I felt this deep down, I really felt it. I had a house, I was a stay at home mom with two beautiful baby girls, a mortgage, two new cars, we had everything we needed. I was blessed and felt it to my core.

On today's ride home I passed the corner where my two gentleman friends used to chat. I wondered to myself, "When did it all change?" I realized I haven't seen my friends at the end of the block, my metephoric gauge. The middle aged man has moved, and I haven't seen the old grandpa lately. The world no longer seems "right." Have I become more realistic and less idealistic? I know that the world around me has changed a great deal, but what has changed within me to not feel the "rightness?"

This week Ellen had a contestant from The Biggest Looser. This woman lost her husband, toddler & infant in the blink of an eye in a horrible car accident. This beautiful and radiant woman sat there smiling and explained to Ellen why she was happy. After the accident she made a decision to chose and embrace life. She allowed herself to live and be happy. Her peace comes from the feeling that she will see her loved ones in heaven. I envied her serenity and grace.

It just seems harder to obtain that feeling that "the world is right." Was it that I lived with blinders on back then? Was it really a simpler time 10 years ago? I hate to think that I am not grateful or that I take for granted all that I have. I have the same stuff as I did back then (ok, a little more...ok...alot more!) My family has grown in the past 10 years, the two baby girls are now teens and have an 8 year old brother. My husband, myself and our three children have been blessed with good health. I still have the same mortgage, two cars & a few more "things" than we had ten years ago.

For today, I wish I had the answers or a clever way to explain why the world no longer seems right to me.

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