If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...

My favorite all time book to read the kids when they were little was "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." We read it so many times we can all recite it. Pffft...It's no longer my favorite, grab a brownie and I'll tell you why. A few years ago we had a few mice in the house. I think we killed three or four of them. That summer I went on a steel wool kick. I shoved steel wool in places where steel wool just don't belong, because supposidly that is the only thing that can stop a mouse. It was never determined where or how the mice got in and since then I never saw any signs of a mice.

This past fall I was straining to look in my neighbor's house looking out the front door. I happened to look down and see summin small scurry thru the leaves and UNDER my vinyl siding. I grabbed the broken sprinkler that the "traveling hands" (oh that boy of mine!) had dropped on the ground. I whacked the shit out of the side of the house, and finished off what plastic was left on the sprinkler. That muther of a mouse didn't come out.

Fast foward to February 25th. In a rare moment of relaxation I sat down on the couch to watch tv after the dinner dishes were done. Trying to obtain the feelings of serenity after a long day. YIKES!!! A little fucker mouse went running along the wall that the tv is on, and cornered himself behind some boxes. So I tell the man I married..he says "No sa." "YES...I DID see a mouse, get off your ass and move those boxes, he's behind them!!!" As I'm standing on the coffee table. I grabbed the puke bucket that just happened to be laying around (kids are still sick in this house.) I give the man the puke bucket to drop over the little fucker mouse. The man botches the whole operation, the fucker mouse ran back under the sink, and tries to tell me I was in the way! UH NO...I was back up on the coffee table! I sent the man out to the store to get some traps.

Feb 26th was a NIGHTMARE!!! Again after dinner all I wanted to do was relax on my couch. Wrong. Same thing as last night,a fucker mouse runs out of the "rat hole" as my boy calls it. I jumped up and chased the little fucker mouse back to where he came from and barked to nobody in particular "That's it, I'm going to bed!" So I set myself up nice nice in my bed with a cup of tea and my laptop, to start a post about a fucker mouse in my house. Then...then...that little fucker mouse ran right by me into my closet. In my closet!(How I managed to get in bed while my closet door was opened I have no idea. That's another story for another day.) WTF....is there no room in this house that is off limits? (In my perfect world I like to think that mice just stay in the kitchen, and maybe the bathroom--but not my friggen bedroom!) That's it, I'm staying in this bed all night. I needed to tell someone of my dire circumstances, so I emailed http://lookitsmegryansmom.blogspot.com/ and http://mizq2u.blogspot.com/ to tell them I was being held hostage in my bedroom, by a little fucker mouse, at which point the Princess comes in my room and says "I think I'm gonna throw up." Crap now I gotta get off my bed. Before I joined her in the bathroom to rub her back, I barked orders at the man to start rearranging the present sleeping arrangements, as I was not going to sleep in a room that had a mouse in the closet!! I made him carry the 68 lb. sleeping boy out of his bed, and move him to our bed. Big Daddy was going to sleep in the mouse room. I was sleeping with Princess in her room.

With that chore done I stood outside the bathroom door waiting for Princess to let me in the bathroom and that fucker mouse (or a butt brother of his)had the balls to go running right past me into my bedroom! After that, me and the puking Princess stayed in the bathroom for about two hours. Neither one of us wanted to go "out there." When we finally went to bed and were just falling asleep around 1:30 we heard "snap." Ok, so it was 1:27 am, we looked at the clock to notate the time of death. We both felt like it was ok to fall asleep.

We have since caught four more fuckers mice. I'm so grossed out and wish I could go somewhere until there are no more fuckers mice in my house!!! God, I hate mice (bugs to.)

So now my second favorite children's book gets bumped to first place. "Goodnight Moon" is officially now my favorite book. Wait, wait, wait!!! Hit pause. http://www.staciesmadness.com/2009/02/life-with-keyboard-functions.html Isn't there a mouse in that book too?

Footnote: for those of you who are more humane and don't like that I have killed four of God's creatures, go away I respect your views

And the Password is.....

When I left work to say home with my kids 14 years ago, I was a third party biller in a hospital. I returned to the same office this past September. (It was weird at first because so many people are still there from when I left. It feels right and the money is good.) My boss took a chance on me and hired me back part time. I thought my brain had gone to mush and was beyond return. Happily I have found out that "I still have it."

Of course since I've been gone HIPPA has gone into effect and we no longer use carbon paper to duplicate a claim. Back then the computer that I used was the hospital's billing system, and it was a green and black screen. Now that I'm back I now have an updated title and am called a "Patient Account Billng Analyst." The green screen is gone, replaced by a this new operating system called Windows(anyone ever hear of it?) I have gone from remembering ONE password to having to put about NINETEEN passwords on a spreadsheet, for which, I need a password!

As time goes by, I need to change my passwords periodically. I had a hard enough time coming up with the passwords I had, for goodness sake!!! I'm out of ideas, I only have three kids, and their birth dates will never change. I am NOT creative at making up passwords that I can remember! Hell I can never remember how old I am, for get a friggen password!! Some programs require a capital letter and a symbol. Some need all caps, some need more than six letters, some need numbers, and most of 'em won't let you amend it by easily just adding a number to the end. Blah, blah, blah... Is it just me or are we inundated with passwords? A few weeks ago I need my social security number for something, and for the life of me I could NOT remember it. I had to look it up. And daym, it's not on my spreadsheet! My card was in the lock box. Where is that friggen key? Can you feel my pain? All these friggin numbers floating around in my head are messing with me.

Can't someone just invent a speed dial for passwords, like they have for phones?

Ok ok ok...so I learned that Wordless Wednesday is not applicable to someone who has not posted in two weeks.

With that said...I have been on a sick hiatus.
Early last week my oldest child, Princess Lounge Around woke me up at 11:30 pm to tell me she didn't feel good, could I sit on the couch with her. As we were sitting on the couch I go thru the whole list of what hurts. "Is it your head? You got a belly ache? You gotta poop? Do you feel like your gonna vomit?" Then I realized she had her head tipped back and was looking at the ceiling. "Ah ha 'a bloody nose?'" She tells me that she's trying to not throw up. And so the night began. When you think you're gonna throw up, you throw up. And she did. Six times. Poor dolly.

Wanna take a guess who got it next? That nasty virus had settled itself right here on Wilde Lane, because the Middle Child and Mommy got it. I thought I was going to D I E die. I have never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever thrown up that much (all three pregnancies put together I didn't throw up that much!) I laid in bed for two days groaning about wanting to be put out of my misery. I called my own mother on the phone and begged her to please tell me how to make it stop. She offered me some Coke syrup from her Fridge. Then she called back to say "Never mind, it expired." IN 1997. I swear to God. 1997. She said she remembered buying five bottles of it. When I talked to both my sisters a couple days later, they both too had a batch of the expired bottles from 1997. Since I know I threw mine away, that means my brother has a bottle of generic 1997 vintage Coke syrup in his fridge.

During one of my vomiting bouts in between heaves, the Man I Married knocked on the bathroom door and said "Does Jack have anymore dog food?" I said "Go Away" in my head I said "Piss off Fucker" (I do that alot, say something nice out loud and equally as foul in my head.) WHO DOES THAT? Who asks their vomiting wife where the dog food is???? Who? This from a man who I cannot talk to or look at when he is having an asthma attack. He needs to concentrate on his breathing. I get it. So DON'T ask me where the friggen dog food is!

My 13 year old took good care of me. She kept the ginger ale coming. She laid next to me in bed and listened to me moan and groan about how much it hurt. She never peeped one complaint how rotten she felt. Unlike me. Between the two of us we lost 16 lbs. I don't know about her, but the five I lost, found their way back. I pretty much slept (and bellyached) for two days. During the two days I was sick, I had a yearbook deadline due. I couldn't lift myself off the bed to get to the computer to submit what I had to. I did those pages in my sleep. Over and over again.

I took two days to decontaminate my house. I bleached every surface, I washed floors and threw open the windows. I'm sick of this cold and germy winter! I can't wait to complain about how hot it is!

Wordless Wedensday--Holly in Auntie Becky's coat sleeve

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program.....

...to accommodate the DOG!

I have spent most of this miserable snowy/rainy day telling a dog that I have only a 31 day investment in to "get busy." I shoveled snow for this dog to do his business, I shoveled slush for him do his business. I shoveled slush mixed with shit so he would do his thang. And finally I shoveled puddles of water for this little boy to do his duty. I spent more friggen time with this dog out in the rain than I particularly care to. For what? A dog that I don't really like that much. He looks at me with sad eyes when I pick him up, turn him around and drop him back in a puddle and say "get busy." For some reason he likes me. Despite the fact that I kept dropping him in Mother Nature's mud puddle.

A little while ago, with supper dishes all cleaned up I thought I would sit down in front of the tv & computer with a brownie or three to spend a little me time. Nope. After spending the better part of the last 30 minuets outside, I took Fido in the house and gave him a treat (ok ok so he didn't produce, but it's a snacky kind of night.) He looked at me all wet, followed me to the couch and sat right on my lap all wet and stanky. He shook himself off then floofed up the couch blanket, sighed, looked at me and stuck his nose under my arm. Why me? This was supposed to be The Middle Child's dog. SHE was supposed to be the one to care for it, she and The Man I Married. Both professed their undying commitment to this house shitting, crate shitting, flea & ear mite infested mutt.

So here I sit with my arm up in the air as I type, lest I disturb the dog, I wonder what was I going to blog about if I didn't have the dog to complain about? Stacie, could you please pass me some lemonade to wash down my brownies?

Footnote...I tried and tried to link you Stacie, but I just couldn't figure it out. Maybe some time when I don't have a dog shoved up my armpit I can figure it out. Unless of course someone can explain

The Sweet and Condensed Version of What the hell happened to me in the past month!

Ok...So I have been missed. Thank you Stacie for dropping me a hello today!!! Rita...thank you for calling me. Suzie thanks for keeping me in the loop ...and Debbie on the Edge? Thanks for the hello last week...or was it the week before?!

So Christmas happened. It came and went. It was Christmas. Too much stuff, kids who take it all for granted, and the water from the tree stained my hardwood floor!

The day after Christmas we got ANOTHER dog. A mini dashaund. Now I have book ends. Holly our 3 year old mini doxie was living high on the hog till Jaaaaaaaaaack joined us. The Middle Child's birthday is the day after Christmas, so every year we try to "make it special." Pfft...this year we made it special allright. I had a weak moment when the Man I Married said "how about this one year old mini doxie that only cost $150.00, is house trained, crate trained, and loves kids?" So I said yes. I don't know why I said yes, but I did. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I had a brief moment of insanity I suppose, I barely like animals!

To summarize the past 31 days with Jack? We've been livin' a lieeeeeeeeeee. The girl who unloaded him on us lied, lied, lied to us. Her house smelled, that should have been the first clue when we went to pick him up. The five other, undernourished dogs and two ugly cats should have been the second clue. And the fact that she called us THREE times on Christmas day to be sure we would pick him up the next day should have been the third clue. She was desperate. We think it was probably for a drug fix. Seriously. This dog shits in the house, he shits in his crate, and growls at My Boy (who is 7) and my 3 year old nephew. He came with fleas, and ear mites. So this $150.00 dog has incurred more bills that his 3 year old sister ($90.00 for 6 months of Frontline, $85.00 for two dogs to be flea dipped, $24.00 for the new SMALLER crate that he still shits in, $205.00 in Vet bills cause there was no proof of vacinations with the flea bag, and $90.00 that I have to pay the friggen trainer to let the little fucker out while I'm at work!!! I didn't even pay child care for my babies!!!!!!!!!!!) Anyone keeping track of how much I'm up to here? Good think I went back to work, huh? I have to keep my eyes on him 24/7, lest he shits in my house. I keep telling the 12 year old "We don't live this way!!!!!" Argh!!!!!!!!

I have been working on the yearbook for the kids' elementry school, under duress. HOOK, LINE AND SINKER I got roped into it. ALONE. I have been wresteling with a computer program that the yearbook company claims is "user friendly." I am however NOT a friedly user. It stress me right the hell out. I have contributed far more hours than I have to give.

The job that I started in September (after a 14 year absense) was supposed to be 16 hours a week. I have been working 35 hour weeks. While the money is nice....I am not just ment to be a working mother. I like my job. I hate what I have to do to get there. Maybe in time I will get used to it? I don't think that I am doing anything different than any other working mom, I just am not handeling it as graciously as they are.

Oh and did I mention that I am dealing with identity theft? I've had two credit cards that have been frauduently charged on. I have both cards in my possesion, so I have no idea how they got my information. For some reason, someone wants to be me, imagine? Is it the new dog that shits in the house or the "userfriendly" yearbook program that makes it seem so attactive? I make it look fun don't I? I wish that person would just take the whole package, dirty house, piles of laundry, the dirty car, piles of snow to be shoveled, the freash kids and the lazy husband. I don't know if the same person has both cards, but one of them reeeally reealllly likes coffee. They spent about $800.00 total in Starbucks in California.

My hair needs to be dyed, my mustache waxed, and my legs need to be shaved (I never kept my New Year's Resolution to shave regularly.) What's not to want about my life?

I am going to suck it up and try to keep up with my blogging. Thank you friends for reminding me that there is a bigger world out there than this little one that I live in!!!!

P.S.--I actually am starting to like the house shitting dog. He had very sad eyes when he came to us, and is really coming to life as he gets used to us.
Jack the new dog is on the left, see those sad looking eyes? Holly the wider dog on the right is the well adjusted 3 year old chubby girl who has not a care in the world.

Easy make biscotti, or so she says...

Upon reflecting on the blessings that I have in my life, I realized that I have been neglectful toward my friends. I have a great group of friends that must think I have fallen off the face of the earth. This working mother thing is just as hard as I always imagined it would be (and then some!) I've been working about 30 hours a week (pretty nice for the 16 hour job that I was hired for.) As much as I hated to go back we needed to heat our house and feed our growing kids this winter. I must say it's nice to be back in the working world. I was lucky enough to return to the office where I started my career 22 years ago. I returned to a job where many of the people were like family to me, as many of them attended my wedding 15 years ago. Of course the world has changed since I left and returned. When I left there was ONE green screen computer system that we used. Now I cannot even count the number of programs I use. Today was the first office Christmas party I have attended in a long long time. For years my Christmas party has consisted of the broken candy canes and left over goodies from the kids school parties.

I've been looking for recipes that are quick and easy for my Christmas baking. One of my dearest friends Terri, (funny enough I met her at the above stated job, 22 years ago)gave me this recipe for Biscotti, that she'd made with her mother in law.

Dee,
This is very easy and I think they are delicious!
Terri

Chocolate Walnut Biscotti
4 squares semi sweet baking chocolate (I used Bakers RED BOX)
1/2 stick of unsalted butter
3 large eggs
1 C sugar
2 C All purpose flour
2 tsp salt
1 C walnuts

* Melt Chocolate and butter in a small pan
* Beat eggs and sugar in a large bowl with a fork to mix. Stir in chocolate mixture until well blended.
* Mix in flour, baking powder and salt. Add nuts
* Knead until all ingredients are incorporated.
*Cut dough into 4 pieces - put each section of dough on a piece of lightly floured wax paper - wrap and chill until firm. (about 30 minutes)
* Lightly flour hands and roll each section of dough into a log.
* Place each log on the greased cookie sheet - the logs should lay across the short side of the cookie sheet - this way all of them will fit on one sheet and the logs will be a bit fatter - (when it comes to logs fatter is always better than thin!!) LOL LOL
* Bake 30 minutes at 350.
* Carefully remove logs with spatula to cutting board. Use a large heavy knife to cut each log diagonally into slices.
* If you want them to be more crunchy - Arrange the slices upright on a cookie sheet and back 20 min longer.
ENJOY.

After reading it, I suppose my mommy ADD kicked in, I was tired. I emailed her back saying "Thanks but no thanks, few ingredients...but looks too hard. I guess if I saw it being made it would be easier." She emailed me back and I pissed myself reading her response. NOTE** If you are offended by cursing...STOP reading.

DUDE _ THIS IS FUCKING EASY!! Are you getting weak in your old age!!???? Melt the shit in the microwave - mix it with the dry stuff and the nuts. Scoop it out of the friggin bowl in 4 scoops. Put it in the fridge to chill. (While they're chilling you can wash the fucking bowl and put away the other crap).

Take them out - roll each one into a log and bake the fucking things at 350 for 30 minutes. Take them off of the cookie sheet and cut them in diagonal pieces!!

GEEZ US! You get all these cookies from one cookie sheet and one bowl.

I can't believe this is too hard for someone who rolls up chocolate cake in a dishtowel, lets it cool, unrolls it, frosts it, rolls it up again, frosts is again with a different frosting, draws lines on it with so it looks like a fucking log!!!!

OMG - WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FRIEND DEE????????

To my friends who I have neglected--I'm soooo sorrry. I promise I will be back after Christmas when the kids are on vacation. To the working world--thanks for welcoming me back so warmly. And Terri? You slay me!
Off to make my biscotti!